Freedom

With the removal of the last patch early yesterday morning I completed the ten week non-smoking regimen and have supposedly broken the habit. I feel better overall and can breathe so much easier, but the cost of this is continued lack of mental clarity/focus, recent bouts of anxiety, and chronic mood swings (ok, perhaps "swings" is not accurate as there has been little variation in my mood beyond the parameters of "bad" and "worse" and it must duly be noted that I rarely ever in a foul mood prior to quitting. Now I am just evil). I suspect both of these will improve with time. I will give it another week.

Manager of the Year

Despite rumors to the contrary, the clip below is NOT footage of me at work. I don't work retail and I'm not named Chad. Some might say the differences end there. Judge for yourself.

Step Down Day

Today I step down to the 7mg patches following the requisite two weeks on the 14mg. I removed the old patch early this morning but decided to wait a few hours before slapping on the new one, mainly out of curiosity as to how my body would respond to this brief nicoteine-free period. I was without a patch for about five hours and only at the end did I become a litle antsy and my mood begin to sour. Presumably there was still sufficient nicoteine in my body at the outset to ward off any ill effects, but as time passed, that lingering need, that lingering addiction began to surface. Not wishing to have the Evil Me emerge, I put on the new patch and thus continued with the regimen. When you first put on a patch, it burns and itches ever so slightly. This has become a curiously welcome thing over the course of the quitting process and it certainly was this morning. So now that the need for nicoteine has been sated, I'm back into a happy mood and trying to forget that the daily hit is half of what I've been getting.

Crisp and Cool

My whining the other evening about the less than fall-like weather has yielded desired results! It is a crisp and clear morning, very autumn-like in every way. As it does each year, the transition in seasons has put me into a happy, energetic mood. I feel like I can take on the world. It must duly be noted that I am on my fourth cup of coffee this morning, so caffeine may also have something to do with the good mood.

I haven't been home long from running a number of errands including buying five cases of beer for the annual office cookout this afternoon. We usually hold this gathering during the summer, but it was delayed this year due to schedule conflicts, etc. The turnout today should be good, though much will depend on lingering repercussions (if any) from employee evaluations of this week. If such is the case, so be it. Really wouldn't want the whiners there anyway as they would ruin the festivites.

What's next...

Last night I finished "Child of All Nations," the second volume in Premoedya Ananta Toer's Buru Quartet. Though a very good book. I wasn't particularly fond of the ending. At least when I first read it. But then something uber cool happened. The more I turned the story's conclusion over in my mind following a subsequent reading, the more meaningful and deep it became, particularly in terms of symbolism. So many subtle layers built into that one scene.

The question now becomes what to read next. I'm tempted to continue with the Buru Quartet and move on to "Footsteps," but am also considering pursuing something else, though I don't yet know what. And along those lines, I shall wander off now to pour an alcoholic refreshment and browse the shelves here in the study for the next worthy tome.

Ahh autumn...well..kinda

I have not been long home from a brisk walk around the neighborhood. The cool night air was invigorating, but has yet to take on that fall "crispness" I find so delightful. We have yet to have a frost, or any truly cold nights for that matter, so the conditions aren't yet right for the advent of the feeling of autumn, though the calendar says otherwise.

Jerusalem Has Come

The movie was so-so, but what an intriguing character.....

Another Milestone

Seven weeks today without a cigarette. Go me!

To The Brink and Back a Step

Save for a last minute surge in unexpected willpower last night and particularly this morning I would have fallen off the wagon one day shy of the six-week no-smoking milestone. This was undoubtedly the closest I have come to lighting up since laying down the cigarettes on the 21st of August. The curious thing was the lack of initial catalyst for the urge, though once it hit practially everything became a potential trigger. To compound matters, I was at the point of justifying why I should smoke and my mind was in such a state that these excuses sounded perfectly, perfectly rational.

Now that I look back at it, I made two fundamental mistakes when the feinding surfaced last night. First, was staying home to deal with it when what I needed was the distraction of going out. Though I had tentative plans last night, once the urge hit I dropped off the radar screen. This may not have been a total mistake as I was in a positively evil mood last night. Certainly did not want to subject friends to the terror of Darth Irritus. The second mistake was then deciding to go to bed far too early. And by early I mean around a quarter of nine. Even my ancient grandmother doesn't go to bed that early. Nonetheless, it sounded a viable plan at the time, but reality of it was that by 11pm I was up again, wide awake, wanting a cigarette. I think I finally fell off to sleep sometime after three this morning and up again at the usual time of half past five.

By now the urge has more or less passed. I am tired, both from the lack of sleep and having fought this mental battle, but feel stronger having successfully passed the test.