To The Brink and Back a Step

Save for a last minute surge in unexpected willpower last night and particularly this morning I would have fallen off the wagon one day shy of the six-week no-smoking milestone. This was undoubtedly the closest I have come to lighting up since laying down the cigarettes on the 21st of August. The curious thing was the lack of initial catalyst for the urge, though once it hit practially everything became a potential trigger. To compound matters, I was at the point of justifying why I should smoke and my mind was in such a state that these excuses sounded perfectly, perfectly rational.

Now that I look back at it, I made two fundamental mistakes when the feinding surfaced last night. First, was staying home to deal with it when what I needed was the distraction of going out. Though I had tentative plans last night, once the urge hit I dropped off the radar screen. This may not have been a total mistake as I was in a positively evil mood last night. Certainly did not want to subject friends to the terror of Darth Irritus. The second mistake was then deciding to go to bed far too early. And by early I mean around a quarter of nine. Even my ancient grandmother doesn't go to bed that early. Nonetheless, it sounded a viable plan at the time, but reality of it was that by 11pm I was up again, wide awake, wanting a cigarette. I think I finally fell off to sleep sometime after three this morning and up again at the usual time of half past five.

By now the urge has more or less passed. I am tired, both from the lack of sleep and having fought this mental battle, but feel stronger having successfully passed the test.